These are the most commonly asked questions about covid-19. Some of them, you may have been too embarrassed to ask for fear of feeling foolish. But don’t worry, you’re not alone.

1) “How did covid-19 start?”

It seems shrouded in mystery, but its origin is easily researched.

A man of the Chinese persuasion, or commonly referred to as a Chinaman (except by the Chinese), used a bat like a marital aid.

From our understanding, he wrapped the bat up into a cylindrical shape, similar to that of a sheath, and forced his penis in and out of the opening in order to stimulate the sensitive nerves on the bulbous end of his penile shaft.

On the dark web, this is called nature’s fleshlight.

This inter species sexual interplay results in a mutation of an organism that can be deadly to humans. As is common knowledge, the AIDS virus originated from a man having an intimate relationship with a monkey. Avian Flu from a rendezvous with a chicken. Swine flu, a tryst with a pig. Now, bat flu: sex with a bat.

2) “Is there a stigma about cross species copulation?”

Yes. Society is very judgemental. It contains a lot of close-minded, ignorant people who are intolerant of new perspectives. Diversity is important in a society, and it should tolerate all viewpoints.

3) “Should we revile this man?”

No. All new ideas start out as blasphemy. Often, time can help frame the story. At one time, the characters viewed as villains are now heroes and vice versa. This unknown Chinese man has a lot more in common with Rosa Parks than a Ted Bundy. He possessed a pioneer spirit and attitude to change the world.

4) “Is sexual interplay with a bat pleasurable?”

Simply put, yes! The penis is an organ that has many nerve endings. When aroused, blood flows into the penis to create a more rigid structure. This structure allows the nerve endings to be more prominent. Notice how the bat’s wing structure is like that of the human hand. The human hand is the most widely accepted and used apparatus in the penile stimulation domain. However, the texture of the bat’s wings is far smoother than that of the human hand. Coupled with the fact that it is warm and stretchy, results in a more pleasurable experience.

We recommend a condom to limit the spread of fatal plagues. Unfortunately, this will diminish sensitivity.

5) “I’m worried a bat may bite my penis during the height of passion. Is this irrational?”

Yes. It is irrational. Bad press and nefarious news organisations have portrayed the bat as some blood thirsty winged demon. This cannot be further from the truth. Bats are loving gentle creatures covered in a soft fur. Instead of doves as the symbol of peace, it should be bats.

6) “Should marriage come first before intercourse with a bat?”

This is a personal issue. Historically, society considered sex before marriage a taboo. However, in today’s western society, sex before marriage is the norm. Certain religions may still frown upon marriage less sex with an animal. If you love the bat, then discuss it with the bat and find what works for the two of you.

7) “I have a deep sense of shame for my sexual attraction to bats. However, the urge to make love to a bat is so strong. Should I deny my urges or give in?”

Society has programmed you to feel that way. Programmed you to believe that sex with bats is wrong. Did you know some ancient cultures revered bats? These wise ancient societies believed fornicating with a bat imbibed a person with wisdom and nobility.

Denial is repression, and repression leads to resentment, and resentment leads to ruin.

8) “I feel alone in this world of people not attracted to bats. Are there any groups I can turn to for support?”

Well, yes, there is. Head over to batcon.org to engage with a tiny but growing community of bat lovers to discuss all things bats. It can often be a place of humour and solace in a world prejudiced against those who love bats. They have plans for an internationally recognised day that acknowledges our plight and a colourful celebratory parade through the centre of town. Remember, love is love.