Bullies are everywhere. They’re in our playgrounds, they’re in our car yards, they’re in our workplaces, they’re in our cyberspaces, they’re in our homes, they’re, even, in our heads.
It’s estimated western economies miss out on 417 trillion dollars worth of productivity from bullying and bullying related activities. Alarmingly, losing ground and bargaining position to rising eastern economic super powers who refuse to acknowledge any form of bullying at all.
Businesses also lose out due to the costly inconvenience of refilling positions after workers abandon their duties for reasons such as finding alternate workplaces, being committed to psychiatric care, or unexpected suicides.
Therefore, the need to deal with bullying is a serious financial matter. A situation described by politicians as a national tragedy.
So, how do we deal with bullying? What do we say? How do we say it? What do we do with our hands? To deal with bullying, we have to understand bullying.
Dictionary.com defines Bullying as to act the bully toward; habitually intimidate, abuse, or harass.
The origin of the word and act of bullying dates back to ancient Greece. To one philosopher whose main idea centred around the concept that the world was made up of the weak and the strong and, therefore, it was the moral duty of those who were strong to terrorise the weak. A philosopher who had the courage to act on and stick to his convictions. A philosopher named Bullycles.
Bullycles was famed for habitually intimidating Pythagoras. He would back Pythagoras into a right-angled corner and make him hold a plank, opposite the wall and adjacent to the ground, along the longest side of the triangle. If Pythagoras failed to hold that position for longer than Bullycles deemed fit, Bullycles would force feed Pythagoras rotten beans. It was under these conditions that Pythagoras developed his famous theorem about right-angled triangles and a lifelong fear of beans. The lasting legacy of Bullycles lives on till this day through Pythagoras’ theorem.
So why do bullies act this way?
Many bullies are students and devotees of the philosophical principles of Bullycles. Using their powers of deduction to test and retest his hypothesis on weak and strong power dynamics.
As man has increased his technological prowess, his mathematical understanding of Bullycles’ works becomes clearer. With some scientific studies concluding that it is the victim’s fault.
Science also reveals that bullies have an innate ability to sniff out one part of weakness in a million parts of atmosphere. This supports the intuition of Bullycles that strong, domineering people are nature’s cure for the weak.
So, what can we do?
Listed below are 20 ways to deal with bullies and their behaviour.
1. Avoid the bully
Don’t step outside. Don’t leave your home. A bully can’t bully what it cannot touch.
2. Avoid making eye contact with the bully
Don’t show them any of your humanity. But do let them know you are no threat and will never, under any circumstances, provide them with resistance. Throw yourself on their mercy. Also, keep your teeth hidden as not to send any mixed signals.
3. Crouch and cower in their presence
When entering the bully’s space, voluntarily or involuntarily, crouch down and show them your palms. Use your body language to show you’re a submissive. Standing tall with your shoulders back will give off signs you have a false sense of self worth. A situation the bully will need to correct. Better to stay insignificant and not worth the bully’s time.
4. Wear Glasses
“You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses, would you?” This is an old, yet hilarious, trope in film and TV. However, modern science believes there’s something to this. Scientists believe that those wearing glasses are 7 times less likely to be bullied and assaulted than their non-glasses wearing counterparts. Although scientists aren’t sure about the exact reason, they believe it relates to appearing disabled and thereby garnering more sympathy from the bully.
5. Don’t tell anyone that you’re being bullied
When you go to the authorities, you’re a rat. Nobody likes a rat. Also, if you squeal, word may spread that you are bullyable. This may encourage other bullies to seek you out. Multiplying exponentially the amount of bullying you receive. You don’t want that, do you? If not, then telling someone is a big no no. Better to fight this battle alone. Lose lips, bigger bullies.
6. Travel alone
Bullies, like sharks, will attack schools of fish due to the high probability of catching the highest number of fish. Therefore, if you travel alone, you are less of a target as you’ve lowered the bullies odds of a successful bullying. Logically, it wouldn’t be worth the bully’s time to engage in a low odds pursuit because of the opportunity cost of missing out on other fish. It would be irrational for them to defy this logic, and the irrefutable maths works in your favour.
7. Be vulnerable with the bully
Tell the bully their words really hurt you. Show via your reactions that the words were effective in hurting you. Make sure your face reflects anguish and pain. Cry and beg for them to stop. Once they see your suffering, it’s guaranteed they’ll stop and have no further incentive to hurt you.
8. Write the bully a poem
The spoken word speaks to the depths of our humanity. Scientifically, rhyming couplets have a calming tonic effect on human beings at the subliminal level. A touching sonnet in iambic pentameter with a rhyme scheme of ABAB BCBC CDCD EE should melt the heart of any scurrilous ruffian.
9. Bake the bully a cake or, even better, some macaroons
Who doesn’t enjoy a colourful macaroon? The way to a bully’s heart is through their stomach. Even if they do crush your baked goods in front of you after you spent hours slaving in the kitchen, it doesn’t matter. You can just make some new ones and try to be their friend tomorrow.
10. Offer to wash the soles of their feet
Kindness and generosity are ways to salvation. When your bully is finished kicking you while you’re down, offer to wash the soles of their feet while you’re down there. Practise your powers of empathy and compassion and realise the repeated force of kicking you in the ribs will have made their feet sore. Imitate the humility and selfless love Jesus displayed when he was bullied and be surprised at the amazing transformation within.
11. Try a sassy comeback line
There is nothing so devastating to a bully than a witty retort. However, a well-timed retort requires some quick thinking, which you aren’t sure you can do. So, in the safety of your home, dream up some scenarios, and write some great one-liners. If you’re struggling for ideas, get your mother to help you write some comeback lines. As your father says, she has a sharp tongue. Sure, you may be stumped when the scenario doesn’t play out like you envisaged. When the bully doesn’t use the line, you wrote for them in your dream world, but try the line anyway.
Here are some suggestions:
“No, you!”
“Well….yeah”
“Uhhhhhhhhh”
“I guess”
12. Visualise a force field around yourself
The power of the mind is powerful. It’s so powerful you can visualise a force field around yourself. This will give you a feeling of invulnerability. Nothing can harm you inside the force field. In fact, from your position within your impenetrable force field, you now can have the courage to taunt the bully. Blow raspberries at them. Laugh at them. You will remain unscathed.
13. Use your favourite anime character’s power move
Most of us get our strength from anime and manga. They’re our friends when we don’t have any. All our favourite characters possess moves they summon in their darkest hour to triumph over evil when all seems lost. Seeing as you don’t possess the confidence or ability to have your own finishing move, try mimicking another. We recommend Naruto’s Rasenshuriken or Goku’s Kamehameha. However, be warned! The consequence could be devastating.
14. Ponder whether the bully may actually have a point
Has it ever occurred to you that your bully may be right? That you are flawed and ultimately unlovable and worthless. In fact, they may set you on the right path by showing you the errors of your ways and the errors of your existence. Think about it.
15. Blame yourself
Don’t blame the bully, blame yourself. You did this. You and only you. No one else. Remember that.
16. Eat your feelings away
Being bullied can burn a tonne of calories. The body needs lots of calories to heal wounds properly. The fear and anxiety of future bullying also increases your metabolism, which means you burn more calories. Therefore, to stay healthy while being bullied, you must eat a surplus of calories. Cookies, chocolates, chips and cheese are highly calorific and will also help boost dopamine, making you feel good about yourself, in the short term. If you find the feel-good factor of eating your favourite treats waning over time, simply indulge some more until you feel good again. Repeat till nauseam.
17. Relieve stress by harming yourself
Beat the bully to the punch. They can’t break what has already been broken. If you bully yourself, then you have the power to end the bullying at any time. Empowering, isn’t it?
18. Frame them for a crime
What happens to criminals? They get convicted for a crime and then are locked up, losing their freedom. If they locked your bully up, you’d be free to roam. The obvious solution is to frame them for a crime. This requires thoughtful planning and precise execution. You’ll need a knowledge of your bully’s routine and schedule, a watertight alibi for your own whereabouts at the time of the incident and the ability to plant evidence without leaving a trace.
Some suggestions: Drug trafficking, arson, rape, murder, terrorism.
19. Accuse their parent, guardian or loved one of touching you inappropriately
Tough times call for tough measures. Explaining to the authorities how this bully’s loved one tried sexually assaulting you will cause the bully’s world to crumble. Removing their support base and shattering their ideas about those around them may make them question their reality. And with greater luck, they may even lose their mind and commit suicide! Thereby relieving you of the stress of the situation. Yes, there is collateral damage, but remember, you didn’t start this.
20. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em
If all else fails, find an even weaker human being and turn on them. Let the bully know this person is the true target, not you. With any luck, you may get your bully’s approval. But be warned! If the perceived weaker person bullies you as well, it will hurt your ego. If there is nobody weaker than you around, pick on an animal.
There you have it. Effective solutions guaranteed to deal with the problem of being bullied. Now, go forth and live a bully free existence.
